


'I Don't Think I'm...Sane'

by TheDVirus



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Ed is his own worst enemy, Emotional, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hallucinations, Love, M/M, Male Friendship, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Mention of Ed's childhood, Nygmobblepot, Oswald just wants to help him, Romantic Friendship, Therapy, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 07:51:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10759941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDVirus/pseuds/TheDVirus
Summary: Ed finally admits to Oswald he doesn't have the tightest grip on reality.





	'I Don't Think I'm...Sane'

‘I think I need help Oswald’.

‘With what?’

‘I don't think I'm...sane’.

Oswald was about to make a joke but the naked worry on Ed’s face stopped him.  
He had been surprised when Ed had asked him to meet him at the docks out of the blue. Ed's description of the meeting as 'urgent' had helped Oswald's curiosity outweigh his dislike for the locale.  
When Oswald had arrived, Ed was already sitting on a bench overlooking the water. He seemed to have been sitting there for some time. They had met at night: Ed was still a wanted felon after all and his deflated attitude suggested he desired privacy for their conversation.  
Oswald had just sat down beside him when Ed had voiced his desire for help.  
And by the sounds of things, the help Ed required was of a more personal nature than investment in his next big scheme.

‘What makes you say that?’ Oswald asked evenly.

‘Sometimes I see things that aren't there’, Ed said bluntly.

He turned to look at Oswald, eyes scanning his face for his reaction. Oswald was careful to keep his expression neutral. He didn’t want to make Ed think it was a mistake to admit this. He had suspected something like this for a while but had not expected Ed to ever confess it so openly. It was out of character for him to be so direct.

‘People you mean?’ Oswald asked.

Ed looked surprised. He had been unsure of how Oswald would react to this information being sprung on him but perhaps he shouldn't be surprised Oswald was taking it in stride. After all if Foxy had noticed his supposed 'instability' then why not Oswald who had known him for far longer? It made Ed wonder how long Oswald had known. If he had known he was 'insane' since they became friends, why had Oswald chosen to continue their association? Never mind fallen in love with Ed. It didn't make sense to fall in love with a crazy person.

‘I've heard you talking to yourself sometimes’, Oswald clarified, ‘Is that when you're seeing things?’

Ed nodded. He had his bowler hat cradled in his lap and Oswald saw his knuckles were white as he rotated it.

‘Who do you see?’

‘People I've lost’.

‘How long has this been happening?’

‘Long before I met you. I don't remember exactly. Started as a voice in my head, telling me what to do so I could fit in’.

‘I know how that feels’, Oswald said honestly.

‘Lots of kids do. That's why I didn't think anything of it at first’, Ed shrugged, ‘But then he started actually appearing’.

‘He?’

‘Like a…well, I guess you could describe it as a ’stronger’ version of me?’ Ed said, cheeks colouring in embarassment, ‘To keep me in line and stop me saying stupid things. When I met Miss Kringle it got worse’.

‘Are you still 'you' when you see these people?’

‘Yes. I often disagree with them’.

‘Have they ever tried to make you hurt yourself?’ Oswald asked, heart hammering.

‘No. That would be illogical’, Ed’s eyes narrowed in thought, ‘I kill myself, they die too’.

Oswald concealed a sigh of relief.

‘Did they make you...were they to blame for what happened to Kristen?’ he asked.

‘No. That was all me’, Ed said sadly, ‘They just helped with clean-up’.

‘How often do you have these episodes?’

‘Mostly when I'm stressed or tired. Or when I've made a mistake and I’m trying not to admit it’.

Oswald swallowed hard as he caught Ed’s meaningful stare at his stomach. The old bullet wound pulsed in response.  
Did Ed mean he had seen some version of Oswald after he had shot him and dumped him in the bay? Had he tormented himself with a spectral, bloodied Oswald blaming him for his death? 

‘So, it’s like you're punishing yourself?’ Oswald pressed gently.

Ed nodded.

‘Do you still see the ‘stronger’ you?’

‘Not as much now’, Ed said, a touch of pride peeking through his discomfort, ‘I'm different from how I used to be’.

‘Maybe you don't need him anymore?’

 

They both looked out over the water; the waves were the only sound as they watched the glowing lights of distant Gotham City ripple in the darkness of the water like golden ribbons.

 

‘You're taking this very well’, Ed commented.

Oswald looked at him quizzically.

‘I thought you would've thought I was joking’, Ed elaborated, ‘Or been freaked out. Normal people don't talk to people who aren't really there’.

‘Who says they're not really there?’ Oswald asked, feeling a spike of anger at Ed’s reverence for ‘normal’ people.  
What did that word even mean?!

‘Well, _you_ can't see them for a start’, Ed said obviously.

‘Doesn't mean they're not real to you’, Oswald protested, ‘And if they're real to you, they're real to me. Have you ever talked to a doctor about this?’

‘Not about this’.

Ed sighed heavily before continuing.

‘I saw some…specialists when I was younger. My parents insisted. Trying to find a cure for their freak of a son’.

‘They really thought that about you?’ Oswald asked, fingers curling into a fist at the sadness in Ed’s eyes.

Ed laughed bitterly.

‘What other kind of person collects roadkill to dissect? Or sneaks into the school after hours to use the chemistry lab?’

He shook his head.

‘No matter what I did, how many science prizes I won or A pluses I got, all I seemed to do was disappoint people. Or make them angry’.

Oswald saw Ed noticeably touch the top of his arm reflexively and made a note to ask about it later. Ed rarely talked about his parents (Oswald didn’t even know their names) but it was never in a positive light when he did. He had known Ed did not get along with them or speak to them but he had had no idea they had thought of Ed that way. It made Oswald's blood boil! Knowing Ed as he did, Oswald wondered how many of his ‘issues’ had truly been of Ed’s own making.

‘So they tried to stick labels on me', Ed continued, teeth gritted, 'Autism. Asperger's. OCD. Antisocial personality disorder. _Psychopath!_ '

Ed practically snarled the last word, a bit of spittle flying from between his clenched teeth.

‘They were just reasons not to see me as a person! To give themselves something to hide behind and use as an excuse! To help absolve themselves of the blame for why I was different! I was a child and I needed their help but to them I was just a problem-hah!- _a riddle!_ \- that they could solve!’

Ed took a moment to compose himself, realising his voice had gradually increased in volume. Oswald wondered if he should put a hand on Ed’s shoulder but was reluctant to interrupt his venting.  
He settled for a slow nod, a signal he was listening. Even if all those pathetic doctors hadn’t.

‘The only way the specialists helped was they taught me how to lie’, Ed said in a tight voice, ‘How to pass as normal. So I pretended their sessions worked, took their useless medication and just tried to hide myself away where they couldn't see me. So they wouldn't be offended by my existence. I knew I could never tell them about the hallucinations'.

Oswald ensured Ed was finished before gently voicing his question.

‘Do you think you want to see somebody about them now?’

Ed shook his head.

‘They'd send me back to Arkham if they think I'm a risk to anybody and I-I can't go back there Oswald. I can't’.

Oswald knew Ed was right. If word got out that Ed was having psychological problems, it would be straight back to Arkham. Even it if didn’t get out and stayed between Ed and his chosen therapist, they were duty bound to report anyone they thought might be a risk: being a serial killer who heard voices, Ed would be in a strait jacket after the first session.  
They couldn’t risk it. 

‘How can I help you Ed?’

‘I don't know’, Ed said in a small voice, ‘I thought if I said it out loud, I would figure something out but-‘

His head suddenly snapped up and he glanced about worriedly. Oswald followed Ed’s line of sight and realised he was staring at empty air a few paces away.

‘Who do you see Ed?’ Oswald asked, eyes narrowing.

‘He's here’, Ed said, lowering his head so as not to look at the hallucination jeering at him.

‘You think telling me about this was a mistake’, Oswald said.

‘He says I shouldn't have told you about this. That you can't help’.

‘I take it he can hear me?’

‘Yes’.

‘Good. I'm sorry Ed’.

Ed looked at Oswald, confused. Though he couldn’t possibly see it, Oswald was staring straight at his doppleganger with a murderous look totally at odds with his soothing tone.

‘For what?’ Ed asked.

‘For not realising how you've been suffering. Just tell me what you think will help and I will make it happen’.

‘I don't want to be a burden’.

Oswald looked at him and Ed’s breath hitched as he saw Oswald’s viciousness instantly melt away. His green eyes were kind as he smiled tenderly at Ed.

‘A burden’s only a burden if you don't share it. Please Ed, let me help you’.

‘I want to’, Ed whispered, the lump in his throat threatening to choke him, ‘But I'm afraid’.

‘Of what?’

Ed hated the tears falling freely onto his bowler hat. He felt so stupid! The Riddler weeping like a child! It was pathetic! All the old fears were flooding back but unlike with everyone else who had come before, the words he had always been so careful to suppress (and yet so desperate to voice) came spilling out.

‘That now you know how abnormal-how defective-I really am you'll...you'll leave me and I know it's selfish to ask you to stay because I'm so fucked up and I've tried so hard! So hard to not be me but I don't know how to fix it and-and I-I just don't want to be alone anymore!'

Oswald seized Ed in an embrace and held him tightly, silencing his tirade.  
He couldn’t have resisted the urge any longer. He refused to hear Ed talk about himself like that!  
It wasn’t right that Ed couldn’t see how special he was!  
He could hear Ed sobbing, those lean shoulders shaking as he was overwhelmed by the emotions rocking his body. Oswald rubbed his back as his mother had when Oswald, abused and ridiculed by bullies had come crying to her.

‘No matter what he says, you are not defective’, Oswald whispered, ‘I love you Ed. All of you. Sane or not’.

Oswald felt foolish but true words and comfort were all he could give.  
He hoped it was enough.  
Ed made to half-heartedly pull away a couple of times but Oswald did not relinquish his grip and Ed soon stopped fighting. Ed needed this. He needed to see he didn’t have to be strong by himself all the time: that as long as he needed someone, Oswald would be here for him.  
They had been through so much together already. What was one more small problem to overcome?  
After a while, Ed’s sobs started to dissipate and Oswald relaxed his hold.  
He produced a handkerchief from his breast pocket and offered it to Ed. Ed kept his face averted as he removed his glasses and cleaned himself. He replaced his glasses before facing Oswald as he returned the handkerchief.  
Oswald was begrudgingly impressed: Ed looked much more composed than he ever had following an emotional outburst. Apart from slightly reddened eyes and his subdued body language, there was no physical sign Ed had ever been upset.

‘I’m not going anywhere’, Oswald promised, ‘I hope you know that’.

Ed smiled and Oswald was amazed at how much light it brought back into his face. He looked like himself again.

‘Is he still here?’ Oswald asked.

‘No’, Ed said, not bothering to look where his doppleganger had been standing, ‘But you are’.

He placed his hand on Oswald’s.

‘And that’s all I need’.


End file.
